the first semester

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{saying goodbye}

{orientation week square dance}

{first day of classes}

{sunny afternoon at the park}

{around my room}

{the path that I walk everyday}

{autumn hayride}

{silver medals at the regatta}

{quiet afternoon study breaks}

One of the first nights at college in August, my RA had each of us write a note to ourselves that she then gave back to us this past week. This is a small snippet from mine, which I found meaningful as I reflect back on this semester . . .

Dear Jessina,

You just finished your first half-of-a-week of classes at college. And now you are sitting in Sarah's room, with all the girls on your floor. It has been an amazingly easy transition and a good first week at college . . .

And yet I know that within the upcoming months, in the intervening time between when I write this now and when I open it up at the end of the semester, there will be many challenges - many times when all I will want to do is hide away or cry, or times when I will be overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed to the limit. But remember these two things:

First, like Mrs. D. reminded you before you left, remember to grant yourself much grace - realize that you are not perfect, but that God is constantly and always sanctifying you, and making you more like himself. Maybe this wasn't the perfect semester, but trust in God's goodness and love towards you, which he has shown you in an infinite amount of ways in the past and present, and most certainly will in the future.

Second, remember this: all will be well and all will be well and all matter of things will be well. No matter what happened in the past three months, all will be well. Trust in the Lord's love. And have hope.

. . . and in the end, realize the abundance of God's grace and cultivate an eye to see His presence in the lives of those around you. Love much. Serve wholeheartedly. Listen to others with compassion. And be more concerned about giving than getting.

See you at the end of the semester,
Jessina

And now I am here - at home, back in my little beloved room, at the end of the semester. It was good. It was rich. It was more than I had anticipated. It had challenges and difficulties. But overwhelmingly, it was full of much grace.

He is indeed faithful.

candles & pencils,
Jessina

P.S. Back to all things Christmas tomorrow!
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a losing position

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Starting today, I hope to be back to regular posting. It was one of my goals for the year to post more often - mostly because I enjoy it, but also because it is good practice for writing and helps me stay focused and intentional regarding my larger life goals - so I plan to try and get back into the habit, as best as stressful college life allows me.

Today, though, I simply want to share this quote, which I reread tonight. I had underlined this paragraph when I read Wirzba's book earlier this year, and as I picked up the book again tonight and flipped through its pages, I found much needed grace in these words again.

"We are too much social climbers, angling and jockeying for position within an ever-changing hierarchy of prestige. We continually compare ourselves with others, seeing who is more successful or popular or beautiful. This is a losing position to be in, since there will always be somebody who compares better in some area. It is also theologically naive, because it assumes that God sees us in a similar hierarchical manner. When we recognize that we are all sinners, there is no cause for boasting and no need for competitive comparisons. In God's household all members are equally important."
(Norman Wirzba, Living the Sabbath, pg. 60)

under mercy,
Jessina
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beauty & wisdom

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"Plato once remarked that if wisdom were visible, the whole world would fall madly in love with it. Although wisdom is not visible, beauty is. And this is why, for Plato and many other philosophers, in loving beauty, people are moving in the direction of wisdom. The important implication here is that we human beings simply cannot do without beauty . . . If beauty will save the world, it is because beauty presupposes love and points in the direction of wisdom." (Donald DeMarco) Read more here.
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"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things--the beauty, the memory of our own past--are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of the a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited." (C.S. Lewis)
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Thinking about the difference between an ascetic life and a life intentionally surrounded by beauty. So often the gospels seem to encourage a life of an asceticism, of giving up everything, of stark plainness. But then--how does this seemingly innate longing for beauty fit in? And I always come back to the woman with the expensive perfume. And these words of his: "She has done a beautiful thing to me . . . " (But then there are his words to the Rich Young Man.)
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Considering G.M. Hopkins' struggles between his monastic life as a priest and his work as a poet, I think I might have more in common with him than just a birth date.
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whispered prayers,
Jessina
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without wavering

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I have been mulling over the concept of trust a lot this past week, as indecision, fear, and worry of all sorts has deluded my plans for the future. My life seems so fragile right now, so dependent on choices that I will make in these next weeks and months.
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And these words speak truth:
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" . . . let us draw near with a true heart
in full assurance of faith . . .
let us hold fast the confession
of our hope without wavering,
for he who promised is faithful."
(Hebrews 10:22-23)
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let us draw near . . . let us hold fast . . . to the confession of our hope
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Tonight I am:
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thinking . . . how thankfulness cultivates creativity + what college orientation will be like come august
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listening . . . to derek webb + jj heller
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feeling . . . sore from ballet tonight + overwhelmed about all the work that must be done before leaving for the conference on friday
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planning . . . tomorrow's schedule + graduation party stuff
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reading . . . "heart of darkness" for ap literature + "the call" by os guinness + some beloved mary oliver poetry + hebrews
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letting go and holding fast,
Jessina
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ancient and obdurate oaks

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This week has found me sick. Shamefully: I am not very pain tolerant, at all. When I am sick, I find it difficult to pray, difficult to be kind, difficult to be diligent. And in all honesty, it has just been a measly little cold. Just a snuffy nose, a headache, and a cough.
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Last summer I came across this quote from Virginia Woolf's On Being Ill and found her description of sickness, if not her conclusion about literature, so decisively true:
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"Considering how common illness is, how tremendous the spiritual change that it brings, how astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undiscovered countries that are then disclosed, what wastes and deserts of the soul a slight attack of influenza brings to view, what precipices and lawns sprinkled with bright flowers a little rise of temperature reveals, what ancient and obdurate oaks are uprooted in us by the act of sickness, how we go down into the pit of death and feel the waters of annihilation close above our heads and wake thinking to find ourselves in the presence of the angels and the harpers when we have a tooth out and come to the surface in the dentist's arm-chair and confuse his 'Rinse the mouth-rinse the mouth' with the greeting of the Deity stooping from the floor of Heaven to welcome us--when we think of this, as we are so frequently forced to think of it, it becomes strange indeed that illness has not taken its place with love and battle and jealousy among the prime themes of literature."
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Sickness seems to be the appointed school of sanctification for me.
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In other thoughts:
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+ A headline today: "One of the Moscow subway bombers was a 17 year old widow." My age.
+ I think the Maundy Thursday service and liturgy just might be my favorite of all (so far).
+ My mantra this week: "Communion fills the empty spaces, not consumption."
+ I can endure one more month.
+ ". . . you have brought us out of error into truth, out of sin into righteousness, out of death into life."
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Forsaken, that we might not be forsaken.
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in somber silence,
Jessina
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bread that satisfies

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Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy, and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
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As I mentioned previously, part of my focus for this Lenten season has been Christ as the Bread of Life. By choosing to fast from bread, I have sought to understand more fully the only sustenance that I truly need. I have sought to consider and set aside all those earthly pleasures through which I so often seek my satisfaction and worth.
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Why do you spend your money
for that which is not bread,
and your labor,
for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me,
and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live.
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So often I spend my money, my labor, and my time on that which is not the true Bread of Life, attempting to feed my soul with that which does not satisfy. Often this temptation comes in the form of relationships or food. For me this temptation most often comes in the form of schedule, routine, and discipline. I seek my sense of worth, my pleasure, my satisfaction, my bread, in my ability to live up to my own self-imposed standards.
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And so this time of Lent has been a time set aside for repentance, for turning away and forsaking those things that I so often rely on for my sustenance, for abstaining from those movies and books that I turn to for a quick fix of pleasure, for learning to live the day God has given me rather than seeking my worth in controlling my schedule, for learning to love others out of self-sacrifice rather than seeking them to satisfy my own insecurities, for realizing again the abundant grace of God, knowing that the bread and wine, his body and blood, are truly all that I need.
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Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord,
that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God,
for he will abundantly pardon.
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And yet, with repentance, I often feel a sense of despair over my own lack of progress. I expect myself to change and yet I fall back into my old ways. However, I read somewhere recently, that when we repent we must always "seek out the promise." We must remember that God hears our prayers of repentance and will continue the work he has begun in us. We must remember that he is planting seeds within us that will sprout and grow and accomplish all of his purposes. We must remember that when we ask for the Bread of Life, he promises to nourish us with what is good and rich.
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For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it break forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
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(Isaiah 55:1-3, 6-7, 10-11)
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lent: a downward movement of the soul

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Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts.
See if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)

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This has been my prayer leading up to Lent: that the Lord would search me, try me, know me and show me those habits which compel me to have a divided heart (Psalm 86:11).
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Bobby Gross writes: "Each year the season of Lent asks us to embrace a spiritual gravity, a downward movement of the soul, a turning from our self-sufficiency and sinfulness. In such quiet turning, we are humbled and thus made ready to receive from God a fresh and joyous grace."
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This will be my first year practicing Lent. I have had friends who have practiced Lent in the past and I have watched curiously as they fasted from facebook or sugar or coffee. But I have never participated myself. I feel new and inexperienced, full of anticipation but also wary that I won't be faithful to that which I have committed to abstain from. But this stanza from George Herbert's poem on Lent has encouraged me:
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"It's true, we cannot reach Christ's forti'eth day;
Yet to go part of that religious way,
Is better than to rest:
We cannot reach our Saviour's purity;
Yet we are bid, 'Be holy ev'n as he,'
In both let's do our best."
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It is true: I might fail. I will fail. This time set aside for repentance and prayer will no doubt only highlight more of my weaknesses. As C.S. Lewis said, "No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good." But perhaps that is also the point of Lent. This season is a reminder of our fleshly and messy humanity, our mortality, our failure. And so often it is in this humble state that the Lord reveals himself to us. We are made ready to receive from God a fresh and joyous grace.
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In preparation, I have printed off the liturgy for the Ash Wednesday service from the online Book of Common Prayer and have been reading over Psalm 51 and the litany of penitence. (Though, I finally bought my own copy of the Book of Common Prayer at my church's book sale this afternoon, so now I have a real book to hold rather than a few scraps of paper!) There are also some helpful passages about the purpose of Lent and some practical suggestions in Living the Christian Year and Welcome to the Church Year that I have been reading over.
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This year I have decided to fast from bread, seeking to understand more fully the true Bread of Life. I am a breadaholic who eats the warm yummy goodness for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, so giving it up will prove quite a challenge, I know. But as Lauren Winner writes, "We fast during Lent because fasting gets our attention. It is a necessary tool for rousing us from our day-to-day sleepwalking."
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And lastly, a song for Lent, based on Psalm 51:
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seeing grace

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"When he came, and saw the grace of God,
he was glad, and exhorted them all
to remain faithful to the Lord, with steadfast purpose."
(Acts 11:23)
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How often I ask for grace, and yet how rarely I take time to see it. How rarely I look for the trace of God's hand in the world around me.
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This week I search for grace.
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--for Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his,
To the father through the features of men's faces.
{Gerald Manley Hopkins}
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two thousand and ten

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Resolutions:

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1. Go to bed early and wake up early.
2. Strive to become familiar with and structure my devotions around the church calendar, particularly by using the material in Living the Christian Year by Bobby Gross.
3. Read one book each week for a total of 52 books.
4. Take Sabbath rests by completing all homework by Saturday night, visiting a local coffeeshop after church for reflection and reading, and using the extra free time for prayer, reading, and nurturing relationships.
5. Journal daily.
6. Seek out three mentors and spend intentional time with them, learning from them.
7. Spend one full hour in prayer daily.
8. Be intentional about seeking out others rather than waiting to be sought out.
9. Blog more regularly--at least three times a week.
10. Exercise more--dance twice weekly, pilates three times a week, and jogging twice a week.
11. Eat fruit for breakfast. And strive to replace any processed foods I eat with more natural foods. Also, less sugar and more fruits and vegetables.
12. Read through the New Testament throughout the year.
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Some notes on some particular resolutions:
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Three: This is the resolution that I'm probably most excited about. This week's book is Till We Have Faces and it's reminding me just how much I love fiction and C.S. Lewis.
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Four: This is something I decided I needed to do. Sunday afternoons used to be my time to rest, reflect, and prepare for the week ahead. But this past semester, my quiet afternoons were usurped by rushing around and frantically doing AP Statistics tests at 11pm. Not having any time to rest or any day without school wore me down. And I am realizing how natural rest is to our nature, how much we need it. So I am not allowing myself to make to-do lists for Sundays, not even in my head. I want to have a day when I can just focus on being rather than doing.
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Eight: This resolution was especially college-intended. I know from college friends that this is a realization that they came to in their own college careers, and I want to learn from them. Mainly, my goal is that I should not selfishly expect people to be pursuing friendships with me. Rather I need to be intentional about seeking others out and pursuing relationships. It sounds a lot easier than it really is, me thinks. But I suppose I'll see for myself come August.
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Nine: This post is the realization of this goal. Two more posts by Sunday, I promise. Megan tells me she will hold me accountable. Please do.
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Twelve: As I am also trying to follow the daily scripture readings in Living the Christian Year, I decided to just read through the New Testament this year rather than the entire Bible. I think it will also provide more time for careful reflection as the reading itself won't take so long. Sometimes the amount of reading required for a full read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan has me reading too quickly while not really meditating on what I am reading. And it's been a long time since I lingered awhile in the New Testament (the Psalms have been carrying me through this crazy past semester), so I'm looking forward to that.
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I have lots of other goals that didn't quite make it to the list. I want to cook more. Spend more time with my Mom. Spend more time outside. Strive to get past those ever-present selfish insecurities. Be more consistent about posting on the bloom! blog. Be kinder. Reply to e-mails faster. Write long letters weekly to my college siblings and friends. Spend more time being creative and using my hands. Be more spontaneous. Light candles more often. Memorize more scripture. Use my summer doing something useful. Take more pictures and learn more about my NikonD40. Trust God more fully. Read more poetry.
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And, ultimately, stop making goals and start actually working towards them.
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not merely another day in the weary round of time

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Except for losing my voice and not really being able to talk, I had a truly lovely Christmas. Yesterday, I was sitting alone in our over-sized chair cuddled with a blanket in the darkened family room. The Christmas tree lights were illuminating the room as they blinked on and off in mechanical rhythm and my mother's Christmas brass music was playing in the background. I could hear the voices of my family in the next room as they made the last preparations for dinner. I sat alone, surrounded by the goodness of it all: of traditions, of life, of redemption.

For Christmas is not merely a day like any other day.
It is a day made holy and special by a sacred mystery.
It is not merely another day in the weary round of time.
Today, eternity enters into time, and time, sanctified,
is caught up into eternity.
(Thomas Merton)

In a somewhat more earthly way, I am also grateful for the generosity of others. I received so many lovely gifts. For record's sake (and to share about a few of my favorites), here's what I received this year:

--The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life by Os Guinness (As I am college-bound this year, I have found myself surrounded by questions I haven't really considered before. Questions about life, purpose, calling, vocation. So far, this book has proven excellent in helping me to understand those issues more.)

--Living the Christian Year: Time to Inhabit the Story of God by Bobby Gross (This is the book I am most excited about. It is a sort of introduction and devotional guide on how to follow the liturgical church calendar. One of my New Years resolutions is to become more familiar with the church year and strive to structure my life more around that calendar. I think this will prove extraordinarily helpful with that goal. Plus, the introduction is by Lauren Winner!)

--A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken (I have read this favorite book twice already. I first read it when I was thirteen and I just re-read it a few weeks ago, but I have never owned a copy of my own.)

--Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik (Travel memoirs. Paris. Sounds all around lovely.)

--Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn (After delving into oppression and opportunity for women for the peace contest I entered earlier this year, I am anxious to learn more. I've heard several good things about this book in particular and look forward to reading it.)

--The Maytrees by Annie Dillard (I wanted more Annie Dillard after reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. And I've been in the mood for a good novel. And it's set in Cape Cod. Three wonderful things all in one book.)

--Living the Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight by Norman Wirzba

--A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul E. Miller

--An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

--The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life by Henri J.M. Nouwen

--Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home by Richard Foster (I really liked the chapter on prayer from Celebration of Discipline and have been anxious to read Foster's entire book on prayer.)

--Blue-patterned scarf from H&M (This made me so happy. I saw it at H&M a month or two ago and fell in love with it. But I decided I didn't need to spend the money. I mentioned something to Amy about it and doubted that she would even know what I was talking about, much less be able to actually find it a month later after I had seen it. But she did! And I adore it so very much.)

--Vera Bradley notecards

--Karnai Button Booties

--A tripod

--New gauchos

--Water bottle (My favorite present. Yes, a water bottle. I bought this water bottle last March and then cracked it two weeks later. I have been looking ALL over the place online for this exact water bottle, but have not been able to find it. But Amy found the same one at a store nearby and I was just so completely thrilled. I am planning on going back and buying several more just in case I break it again!)

--Vanilla Amber candle (Smells so delightful.)

--36-count fine tip markers

--Flower and striped notecards

--Martha Stewart tissue paper pom-pom kit

--Cavallini & Co. London easel calendar

--The usual stocking collection of hair accouterments, candy, toothpaste, and whatnot
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grace & peace,
Jessina
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todays & tomorrows

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I am reminded tonight that life is not made up of hopes and tomorrows, but of minute-by-minute choices.

I am planner at heart, an "I'll start next Monday" person. Next Monday I'll start waking up 6am. Next Monday I'll start jogging 5 days a week. Next Monday I'll begin to talk more and be less shy. Next Monday I won't be so selfish. Next Monday I'll spend more time in prayer. Next Monday I'll make more time to pursue creative skills. Next Monday I'll start blogging regularly. Next Monday I won't leave my statistics homework until 10pm.

I like fresh beginnings, schedules, and to-do lists.

But I am reminded tonight that if I keep putting off my goals until the opportune time to pursue them, life will escape me. I must live today.

This minute provides me with choices. I can spend this minute in prayer or I can spend this minute reading a random person's blog. I can choose this minute to head down to the basement and go jogging on the treadmill or I can choose this minute to browse around Facebook. I can spend this minute finishing up the last chapter of The Weight of Glory or I can spend this minute making another to-do list for tomorrow.

I won't magically wake up next Monday morning and be the person I want to be.

Becoming the person that I want to be, desire to be, and was created to be means making decisions right now. This minute. I have been given these 60 seconds in front of me. How will I choose to use them?

Let not your longing slay your appetite for living. (Jim Elliot)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. (Matthew 6:34)

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